~ Ulmer Budwiser's Cart Investigation Report Continued ~

So, I artist, poet and journalist, with my slender frame and girlish good looks, was strapped up into the Draynor draw, like a pony in a trap, a donkey without a carrot.
"You do realise you'll suffer consistent pecuniary losses from employing someone that can just about pull the lever at Party Pete's single ladies pick up night?"

"Silence!" * Wooooptash! * went the crack of the whip on the whip of my crack. With the straining of a cauliflower colander, I managed to get the cart a moving. Agony, anguish and aneurisms ripping through a body that had lain in stasis for years, for good reason. I had to think fast before I became resigned to the fate of a cabbage carrier. The weeks events spun in my mind, focused with the energy I was exerting. It seemed to hone in on the Lembicons! Of course! If they were Noob Dwarves they would be able to help me, even though they had devised this sinister punishment! I secretly removed my Comm-orb™ and set the frequency to the numbers I had seen on the cart mark with the craftsman, and typed in private message, quietly, while heaving, "Come in noob midgets, come in noob midgets, noob in a dress in distress S.O.S. over!"

~ Lembicon On The Phone ~

"Oh! digeredoodar, you're all right mate, what a red face you've got there, you must have seen the Sacred Beast of the Kenyamager and been put to good work pulling me carts!", came the reply from a distinctly baby midget face.

"Yes, oh great one, I am truly in awe of the mastery of your craftery, but you know you'll have to set me free from this bondage, I'm a fellow of the Grand Lodge of the Nautical Bronze Unicorn Uniformed Noobs!"

"Well that's a good reason as any Bruce," he types back, "honoured to meet yer like, but you know as well I do sport, that the Noob's law is law, even among our fellows, plus you'll go telling yer mates about me Kenyamagers if I set yer free!"

"Hey thou, mule man, thou are't slacking up, taughten thy grip and haul like a haulager should!", interjected the driver wizard, who was no wizard driver.

"Ok," I continued, "...I could contact everyone in Noobscape with my Comm-orb™ RIGHT NOW and tell them about the secret Aardvarks, I mean Kenyamagers, then everyone would want one! PLUS I know about the secret cart trade between the Faladoor hairdressers and the cat shavers of West Ardunge whereby cats bought for 100 death runes are shaved and the fur is carted to the Fremniks to make Cat Fur Coat™ kits sold at 100k and human hair is glued onto the cats and the cats shrunk and sold back to players as kittens! Then there's the bone carts where young men are sent to war on the promise of glory but they die as they have no skills and their bones are used as fertiliser to grow potatoes! And the seagull carts where they kill the birds for feathers and sell them to players as genuine chicken feathers! And the cart loads of monkeys they breed in the zoo trained to glue cart loads of bananas back on trees and then pay less than minimum wages for players to pick them for Luthas in a continual cycle because the banana trees have become infertile due to a rare Karamajan curse and if the authorities discovered this they would loose the right to breed monkeys for banana picking which they don't do! And the bronze armer they buy from players at 1/3 price, is melted down, blue dye is added and is made into...!"

"Ah! shave a Sheila mate, you got me by the kangroos there!", p.m.'ed the Lembicon back in shock, "I never 'eard of the Comm-orb™ I'm in F2P. Me cart business would be ruined if all that got out sport! Well, here's the bargain Bruce, I'll give yer a free Kenyamager, Aardvark to you, free of charge, a cart full of cats, free kittens unshrunken for life, some monkey love, free beer, haircuts, access to seagulls and a nice pile of planks ow's that yer sneaky wombat?"

~ The Spoils Of The Bandwagon ~

With that he were gone, and with a flash of the zip, I was unleashed from my temporary trafficking torment, and standing by a pile of dried up bones in the charred gully. Worrying that it was nearly pk o' clock, a sudden blast of lightning, the clouds parting from the sky, flesh to the bones was brought from magic upon high! A right royal snuffulating Aardvark had reappeared again before my eyes, not for the first time that day, but the second time. Two times in a row is nearly three. So I celebrated by selling my Aardvark for a fine suit of Fremnik (Cat) Fur, as we were due for a heavy winter, and Aardvarks weren't much use to me in the snow, without a cart or ants...

But don't worry, you can see the only Aardvark in Noobscape in use with the Shilo cart man; who it appears, has HAND PULLED his cart to Shilo Village and back, for prices between 10 and 10k gp for 5 years! Now there's a guy who knows how to pull something off.

By Ulmer Budwiser (Spooksprings (J.M.B.)) horseless, but furry and toasty, under special spying assignment for 'Planet NoobSquad' © Oct 2005. 'Lembicon Sign'; "Noob Night Goggles"; "Aardvark"; 'Lembicon' images by J.M.B. Spooksprings © Oct 2005. Other pictures adapted by J.M.B. Spooksprings with kind permission from Jagex Ltd's R.P.G., Runescape.com 0xA9 2005, using Photoshop, Anfy Java and 3DFA.com. "Decent Descent Arise" MP3 made by Spooksprings J.M.B. © Oct 2005 with Anvil Studio. I sent Jagex a letter asking about the carts, but I think I found out their secrets before they could send me to the KBD in one!