Tootinkarnoob - the Egyptian Noob Pharoah, give him some noob juice and get a free Aero

Our resident Internet Explorer, Sir Lawrence of Noobania, brings, especially for you adventure hungry boys out there, this exclusive and secretive report of his adventures into the Deserts of Death, far to the south of Al Karud, and his discovery of the mysterious lost pyramids of Tootinkarnoob, exclusively for 'Planet Noobsquad'! Lawrence suffered many hardships to bring you this story, and was viciously tortured by wild American camels on his return. He now lays perilously ill in the only hospital in Runescape, at Al Karud, if you wish to wish him well.

Lawrence of Noobania writes,

"As I gazed down at the young Arab boy spitting and polishing my new pair of black boots (t) in the basic, but civil town of Al Karud, I knew it was time for a new adventure to expand the horizons of the Noobscape. I had been sent to the town by the Duke of Lumbridge, to count all the grains of sand in the desert. But after hearing of his plans to smuggle out ALL the desert's sand, under the nose of the Caliph, secretly, in the shoes of adventurers to build a giant castle (sand castle? Ed), I planned to spend all my advance reward on an adventure into the wild, harsh, UNMAPPED deserts south of the Prison Slave Camp, with nothing but Noob adventure in mind!

"I asked the young Arab boy (his shining dark eyes and cheeky smile bringing some relief into the harsh environment) if he would hire some camels and ride with me into the desert, as my guide, for some candles, a gnome batta and a bronze medium. His face widened in disbelief! His earnings per day was less than a Goblin drop! But, then, he began to tremble...
"No one has EVER returned from the Death Deserts of Al Karud master! Men have told of black Demons in the souls of men, GIANT flesh eating insects and Zombies from ancient tombs! You must not go master!"

"Safe in the knowledge that I was guaranteed to be teleported back to Lumpy, with my Ring Of Life firmly glued to my finger, should I be accidentally embalmed or worse, I grabbed the boy, mounted my new camel, and headed off into the Deserts of Death. With us were 25 buckets of water, a Rosetta stone (for interpreting any hieroglyphics I might find on the so called tombs), a bronze spear, and a cabbage hat.

"I soon had to discard my bronze large helmet, as the heat began to pixelate the skin from my face! A fierce sand storm blew up, and off flew 20 of the buckets into the now yellow skies. "AWWW!", I heard a faint voice moan, distinctly in the distance. Never one to trust a mirage, I was noobstonished when a gaunt figure with a square head appeared from the swirling sand mists.
"Ribena! Ribena!", wailed the strange dark figure. Thinking it a monster, I drew my bronze spear, but the boy, who had sand glasses, saw it was an escaped slave with one of my buckets on his head.

"After the slave was watered and given a bath of camel spit, he began wailing terribly, garbling about mummies, giant pyramids and a God of the sun striking him down with a curse, or some such noobsense. Turns out, he had taken shelter in a tomb after running for 4 hours from the prison guards, and had been bitten by a giant scarab beetle, after he stole some bronze goblets from an altar there. The boy, knowing this to be fatal, advised me to leave him with shelter and water to die alone. Anyway, he'd be magicked back to Lumpy when he got deaded.

"We trundled off, the camel grunting like a barbarian woman on heat, the boy fidgeting like a gnome king worm, the storm now WORSENING! With the desert robes slapping me in the face, my skin felt like it was being hot roasted by a Blue Dragon’s breath! The last buckets of water blew off, and my hit points suddenly appeared above my head, I was hit for a 5 for having no water! We needed shelter fast! I asked the boy to make the camel go faster, but my agility was only lvl 45!! If ONLY I had spent time levelling up, instead of fishing shrimps for beer money!

"And seemed as if the end had come, appearing before us, parting the blinding yellow wall of sand, like a dragon long through farmer flesh, was an 8 foot mummy, covered head to toe in bandage towels! His dark hollow eyes, weeping blackness, his stench of putrefying potatoes, goblin poo and a lvl 123 pker's armpits, bringing us out in boils. It wailed and screamed as nothing on earth! I captured this sound on my, erm, wax scroll I happened to have. Hear Your Mummy Scream

"The camel sank to its knees, the boy grabbed me so tight, I could not breath. I stood in paralysed awe...but with dignity to face whatever be my fate. It 'spoke' in a screaming wail...
"Nash kan ti a seel das boolam niar kan se gooloo fearama!" My heart suddenly leapt with joy! It was speaking an ancient dialect of Egyptian that I could understand! I stepped forward, kneeled, and presented my cabbage hat, Rosetta stone and the last, the very last, of the water, in my water-skin, a mere mouthful, enough to quench a budgerigar’s thirst.

"The mummy’s creaking arm, slowly drew the water to where it's mouth used to be. It sipped...and then...a blinding light! The storm suddenly disappeared like a choob on the run! And stood before us, as we squinted open our eyes, was a radiant and beautiful, noobsome Egyptian King, a Pharaoh, bedecked in the finest bronze, brass and sapphire finery that has aught been seen on Planet Noob. To his flank, a GIANT Noob Pyramid of Bronze, towering above the dunes! The Pharaoh stood in dignified grace, his compassionate smile and wise eyes gazed at us as he plopped his cabbage hat on.
"I thank you Sir Lawrence of Noobania, you have lifted the curse of death upon me, and given me water of life so that I may live now, once more! I shall reward you with bronze beyond your noobiest dreams! My Kingdom of tolerance, clemency and just rule shall strike fear into the hearts of darkness! Come, let us partake of a cuppa’ tea and some cucumber sandwiches in my pyramid! ...Do you know I've been itching these 6k years for someone to play Monopoly with..."

"And so, my noobie adventure into the Al Karud Deserts of Death had just begun, and thank the Lord he had taught me 6th Dynasty Egyptian before I was 12! A thirsty mummy is an unhappy one! Especially after being desiccated for 6000 years! Now the pathway to the pyramids is mapped for you, and the Pharaoh has returned. May your adventure be a sandy one (and remember to empty your boots at the Duke of Lumbridge’s backdoor)." Sir Lawrence Of Noobania.

"Search For The Lost Pyramids Of Tootinkarnoob", is a short story By Spooksprings (aka J.M.B.) © 2004. All images adapted from by courtesy of Jagex Ltd © 2004 . "Mummy" sound file by Spooksprings (J.M.B.) 2004. Your life and soul is at risk from torture, scalding and curse if you're the kind of Choob that wanders into the Deserts of Death without so much as a sandal. Planet NoobSquad accepts NO responsibility for actions you may take in the Deserts of Death, which results in you having to eat your open-toed hippie footwear.