Noobspaper Contents: New Hula Hoop Factory, Whaling Goes Commercial, Lag Feature Special, "From Noob To Noob" Letters Page, Noob God Found Frozen On Ice, Focus on Noob Deaths, Announcments & Events, No Proper Names, and a bag of free truffles.

Jaggedex Bows To Girl Power! ~ Hula Hoop Factory Spins Into Action!!

After a horde of pig-tailed rune clad warrior girls stormed the Jaggedex offices in Al Karid this week, with a 5,000 strong petition and as many pussies and posies in tow, the Mafia run game design company conceded that a Hula Hoop Factory should be unveiled forthwith to return missing pleasure to young ladies where they enjoy it most, in the streets with their hula hoops!

Hula Hoop Technicians hard at work, yesterday

"I almost forgotted how to hula wid my hoop!", squeals Rachetgirl, Level 16 from lower Varrock, "it's a travesty of male domineering and trade restrictions from China that have deprived us of this cultural ornament for almost a century!"

Jaggedex claims that this update in toy technology was planned, and was in no way seeking to restrict the hip movements of young ladies to avoid embarrassment to the Caliph and his camels and divert girls spending their hard earned potato picking money on 'novelty~no~fun paper hats'. Work was swift to commence, and now new hula hoops can be bought from between 20gp and 30k gp from the denizens of Seers Village (but, alas, available to girls ONLY!). Posing as His Majesty's Hula Hoop Inspectorate today, I managed to obtain one of these playful pipes (restricted from mens’ hands for another 5 centuries!). Here are some of the secret fertility dances I performed deep in the Seers Woodland, for the first time in 100 years!

Spooksprings, (in disguise) demonstrating his versatility with a Hula Hoop

I must confess, that after gyrating my torso to the natural cyclical rhythm dormant in my head for millennia, I actually started to feel euphoric and rather dizzy and had to be escorted from the woodland by a forester and his rabid puppies for attempting to climb a tree! What wonders await us in the Noobscape once the secret pleasures of this ancient fertility hoop, are made know to the well mannered ladies of Falador East?!

Spooksprings, (J.M.B. 2004) Roving Reporter on assignment.

Controversy! Protest! Outrage!
~ Whale Hunting Goes Large!

Councillor Higgins sat recovering in hospital today after a ton of rotting mackerel was siphoned into his Ardougne Flat by an Oliphant. One of the many riotous acts seen in Ardougne today, as whale hunting goes commercial in Port Kazard. Players with level 99 fishing and 75 agility may attempt this one trip, one whale bonanza.

But Murphy, an Irish fisherman given the licence warns "Now 'den don't expect an easy ride! As well as the leaks to fix you'll have to harpoon the whale at least 100 times and bare his heart breaking wails of distress, as his blood turns the sea crimson And don't go blaming me if the beast smashes into us and sinks the ship, I just steer the lumber, to be sure!"

Spooksprings, observing a Whale Hunt onboard SS Lugubrious

The ancient fisherman tribe of natives in Bongo Bongo Village, Karamaja, claim their addiction to free whale meat will be cured if the hunting continues, and whales will be extinct by the 15th century.

"Bwana, our full stomachs depend on us catching two whales a year", explains Hojo Mentis, Tribal Leader, "mass hunting by greedy players will only result in oil powered street lamps, superior engine lubricants and cheap meat for starving Noob urchins! It cannot continue!"

Moved to tears by this lambasting of their noble fishing exploits, tribesmen, and some level 3 shrimp fishers, were to be seen in Ardougne protesting for the lives of the leviathans, by stealing from the silk stall and wind blasting some watchtower guards. One rioter was said to be seen stealing curry powder from the spice stall, but nobody believes that. Councillor Higgins vows that an independent report into the suffering of whales will undertaken, and should be available by 1923 A.D.. But it will be difficult to persuade people to stop the hunting until, "Songs of the Sperm Whale" is available on DVD, whatever that is. Hear the sample sounds of those 50 footer monsters HERE

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004) Whaling Watcher, on assignment.

Lag At Its Worst Since 1350!
~ Sloths Become New PK Champions! ~

The "lag" experienced by citizens of Noobscape this month, have almost brought them to a full stop. Not content at being overtaken by sloths snails and slugs, Noobscapes' adventurers intend to do something speedy to counter it!

"It makes my blood boil!", says a pker, running in a bizarre zig zag between level 10 and 12 wildy, "I cant even attack a rat with my cat, let alone flee from a level 100!"

Some Noobs experiencing what they believe was lag, last Thorsdag.

Lag by definition is the stalling of the way men walk by time disruption in the atmosphere, believed by seer scientists to be caused by a breech in the quantitative time constant, resulting from an accumulation of dragon's farts in the air. This causes adventurers to act, in others eyes, as insanely as a KBD in his death throws. Mages in Noobscape intend to combat this problem by attaching roller-skates to the feet of knights, so that they may still roll as the lag in the sky comes about them. This new invention, the roller skate, is a combination of ranger boots and 300 crystallized eyes of newt attached to axles.

Pkers seem happy with the test results, "I can grab the tail gate of a passing bear and get a free ride North!"

Jaggedex officials state that plans exist to curtail the farting of dragons by some ancient Elvin method of containment, utilizing a cork on a long skewer. Well keep you posted, if we don’t lag.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004) Lagger on assignment.

Noobs On Ice!
~ A Mammoth Find For Noobologists! ~

Clad in his new grey wolf fur armor and boots, Noob 239 clambers up a steep ice glacier precipice in level 69 wildy, a vast expanse of frozen wasteland, recently discovered by intrepid, but lost gnomes. His lungs are bleeding from the rare and sub zero temperatures, his shivering body unprepared for what greets his squinting eyes before him. For there, locked in a giant obelisk of crystal clear ice is a bronze clad Noob...

Noob 239 N.O.D. about to lick a giant lolly in sub zero temperatures.

Confused, and near exhaustion, Noob 239's brain scrambles with mixed messages....a new pker ice freezor spell? Giant ice dragons and demons curses?! A new Noob Lolly factory relocation?!! Unable to focus, he steps closer, and peers at the frozen spectacle, and there, sitting in all it's splendour, a Noob King, bedecked in all the finest bronze and brass ornamentation that shrimps can buy. His eyes wander down, and there, on it's chest, a plaque, in an ancient dialect of Nooblish, sitting, waiting, to be transcribed by such a curious Noob.

He reads "I, The Grand and SplendaNoobious Noob God King, Noob Thormium the III, from the Version 0.24 Age of Noobscape, have been frozen in Noob time until that age whence Noobs will seek my power, wisdom, authority and Noobknockamockery, if 'ere they feel threatened by the Choobinators, Pkers and small rabbits! Press HERE to thaw me out."

Noob 239...presses the button, glowing steam starts to warm his frozen toes...

These were the last actions of brave Noob Squaddie Noob 239, as transcribed through the headset of Bombardiers at the Noob transmitter station. We know not of his whereabouts, or what happened after the thaw begun...but he is awarded the N.O.D. (Noob Order of Discovery) for his find.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B.) 2004. Roving Reporter On Ice, on assignment.

"From Noob To Noob"
~ Letters Page ~

~ Free Party Hats NOW! ~

Dear Sir Noob,
why, oh why, oh why, oh why, can't I ever afford rare items, like party hats, ranger boots and spinach rolls?!! The prices seem to sky rocket out of my pockets every time I am slithering about Varrock World 1 Market! And why do these people always seem to have 100 pairs of them?!! Do they stockpile them in the Bank Vaults?! Isn't it time Jaggedex gave us players a decent wage, so that we may afford these hedonistic and useless pixelated items, so we can all feel good about ourselves instead of coveting and being envious of strangers?! I mean come on, we did pay for Jaggedex’s millionaire mansion by making 600 billion mouse clicks in their game!!

Yours, jealous, Fairy~Tips69, Zanaris.

(Editor: unfortunately, I, like all others in Noobscape, am on a Lythas banana picker wage. But I have heard rumours that slaughtering passing men and women in Noobscape is seen to be profitable).

~ Potatoes Voted Best Looking Men! ~

Dear Noobs,
Having being played by Noobscape for 5 years, without moving from my plush, reclining, sleep over, self feeding commode-combine chair, I wish to make it clear to all those health freaks out there, that playing and working in the Noobscape for 18 hours a day does NOT detrimentally affect your health in ANY shape or form. In fact, my body has become moulded to the form of the chair! I get free herbs from the witchdoctor for cardiovascular disease, and my mother brings me food on a plate! The fact that I don't have to get up and do a mundane work task in the community is beneficial to those who would not want my company. I am also saving the environment, by not polluting it with the waving of my arms up and down when I walk, which might cause turmoil in the atmosphere, and cause storms in Port Sarim! All the most famous people in history have made their livings by not doing much, and as a direct descendant of the Pope, I fail to see why I should be any different. Work from your chairs, physical labour is for squares!

Tim Trotsky, Society for Armchair Industries

~ Seen My Wood Chopper? ~

Dear Sirs,
Can any one tell me what has happened to the handsome and muscular wood chopper, that used to frequent the wood hut at the North Edge of Ardougne? Since wood certificates were phased out during transition to the 2nd Age of Noobdar, he seems to have vanished, but all his belongings remain, can anyone help? I do miss our fireside chats, his Ent stories and games of Kerplunk.

Lady Chatterley, Ardougne Castle.

(Editor: Can you help Lady Chatterley find her lost wood chopper? Have you been watching bears crap in the woods recently and spotted a mysterious man madly chopping magic trees to make ends meet? Log in and let us know!).

~ Seagull Souffle?! ~

Dear Noob Editor,
As a fan of seafood platters, I demand to know WHEN seabirds, namely albatross, gulls and penguins will be available of the sea food menu of Brimhaven pirate theme restaurant?! I don't even care if they have the feathers on them, I demand penguin pie! Chompie Chops are DISGUSTING Ogre food!

Redrum Franky, SS Lady Lumbridge.

(Editor: As a fan of shrimp surprise and trout tarte, I can appreciate your taste for the briny delights of the deep. However, Albatross A la Carte might seem a leap to deep for the ancient mystics. However there is a delicious dish you may wish to fish, which is called the Guano Gastronome, and is described as 100% seabird, 100% true grit, which might tickle your feathers).

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004) Editor~filling~in~space~and~fullfilling~ press~public~relations~act~requirements 1325, on assignment.

Planet Noob, Is It Full Of Noobs?
~ We Ask The Noobs Questions They Can't Ask Themselves ~

"One Noob dies every second on Planet Noob", a famous and puzzling quote from Emperor Spooksprings, Planet Noobs controversial, highly strung, creative, but obviously insane ruler. Is this really true?! How can so many cute little Noobs, who have all the necessary facilities to survive on Planet Noob, namely a mouth and a pair of legs and arms, fall from the tree of life in such quantities?! Well, according to statistics the top main method of Noob death is falling off ladders. Simple as that. Not pking or plague, night time devouring by demons, or even eating poisoned cakes, it's just the plain old soles-missing-the-rungs-falling-to-their-deaths-type-deaths that is hampering the progress of Noobs from conquering the world with their humour-isms and lightness.

Planet Noob, yesterday, crammed FULL to the brim with Noobs.

I put it to Emperor Spooksprings, 20 something with a penchant for jumping out of bushes onto Frizoids, that HE is ultimately responsible for Noobs dying in their millions every year.

"It IS clear that I AM ultimately responsible for the well being of Noobs planet wide", the Emperor eyes me suspiciously from behind a veil of Noobacco, "but in theory, if they do not heed the general warnings as contained in my 'How To Survive Planet Noob' leaflet, and become at least part of something that is useful to humanity, then that is THEIR prerogative, not mine."

"But Sir Emperor, with respect, there is no such leaflet in existence, and if there were, you are aware that 50% of all Noobs cannot read?"

"Aha, caught you out, you are wrong on all counts, my leaflet, intended for ANY Noob that wishes to dodge coffins, is available directly from myself, by sending a large S.A.E. and cheque for $20 Noob Dollars c/o Planet Noob. And ALL Noobs CAN read, they just need to learn how to do so in practice. But hey! look, I'll give some free advice here I'm no tyrant! Now, I know that ladders can be dangerous stretching all the way from here to eternity, but the trick is to not use slippery when wet, and keep away from the snakes on the way up. Keep your feet firmly on the ground, don't put a foot wrong, and remain spotlessly clean. Above all, don't walk under ladders, that's bad luck that is my black cat told me".

Warning: NEVER return to a lit firework!

So, there, directly from the horse's mouth, you little Noobs in your thinly clad bronze frame CAN become as one with your makers, by staying down to earth, and erm, not climbing ladders at all? Or as the Emperor kindly put it, learn your green cross code before crossing the road to meet the chicken on the other side, who's probably brought his own ladder.

Spooksprings (J.M.B.) 2004. Giving the Noobs questions to ask other Noobs, that there is no answers to, on assignment.

Announcements & Events


NoobBall: Saturday Fixtures: Varrock Noobs vs Falador Choobs, Gnome Playing Field. Lumpbridge Leprechauns vs Greater Demons, Bone Yard, Wildy. Chompie Hunt: Meet with bloated toads at the Jolly Rabid Fox, Mendip Hills. Ogre Hunt: Meet behind the Jolly Rabid Fox with archery and weighted ropes.Glider Festival: Display of Gnome expertise in glider flying. Fly like a bird for under 5,000 coins or 58 Quest Points. Meet White Wolf Mountain (organizers absolve responsibility resulting from death by wolf).

Jousting Tournaments: Sir Killa A Lot challenges Sir Banana Smither to duel by 3 submission or fall. Schmitars, spears, obstacles, no food, Monday. DamageCase challenges RangeUrButt to duel by defeat. No surrender, ranging, potions, no flowers, no tomatoes, Tuesday. Miss Twinkle Tips challenges Scratchy Cat to duel by flowering, first submission by nasal sneeze.

Deaths, Marriage, Births

Marriage: Mass Marriage of Cats, Entranor Island Monastery, Sunday. Notice of proceedings: all pet owners are to place their cats in the church, and exit. The Doors shall be closed, and by Gods grace of natural attraction, the felines shall commence their carnal acts and betroth themselves to each other. To wit, the vicar shall bless all and sundry from the safety of the rafters with Holy meow mix. Births: Hiker from Runevillage gives birth to a beautiful baby bot this week, child is said to be healthy, despite post-labour complications in the Unix. Deaths:3982 and a half Noobs deaths this week (tributes at the tomb of the Unknown Noob).


Concerts: Noobsquad, Seers party Hall, Friday Night. Rating: *****. A bizarre heady mix of nursery rhymes, rock anthems, and toe tapping, head banging, salsa swinging beats, that will raise the spirits, the eyebrows and the bronze skirts. Concerts may contain dry ice and nuts. No camping allowed. Hear a sample of their new hit single "Noobies, Noobies", HERE:

By Spooksprings (J.M.B. 2004) Ringing your bells since 1350.

"Noobspaper" By Spooksprings (aka J.M.B.) 2004, all literary ideas original content, owned by J.M.B. All images edited or made by J.M.B, utlising graphics stolen & adapted from runescape.com RPG, by kind permission of Jagex Ltd. All 'Runescape' names, quoted from Jagex's 'Runescape RPG'. All music and sounds by J.M.B. 2004. If you are an inventor and have invented something using one of my inventions, at least give me credit, prophecy doesnt come cheap u noe!