Noobspaper Contents: New Hula Hoop Factory, Whaling Goes Commercial, Lag Feature Special, "From Noob To Noob" Letters Page, Noob God Found Frozen On Ice, Focus on Noob Deaths, Announcments & Events, No Proper Names, and a bag of free truffles.
Jaggedex Bows To Girl Power! ~ Hula Hoop Factory Spins Into Action!!
After a horde of pig-tailed rune clad warrior girls stormed the Jaggedex offices in Al Karid this week, with a 5,000 strong petition and as many pussies and posies in tow, the Mafia run game design company conceded that a Hula Hoop Factory should be unveiled forthwith to return missing pleasure to young ladies where they enjoy it most, in the streets with their hula hoops!
Hula Hoop Technicians hard at work, yesterday
"I almost forgotted how to hula wid my hoop!", squeals Rachetgirl, Level 16 from lower Varrock, "it's a travesty of male domineering and trade restrictions from China that have deprived us of this cultural ornament for almost a century!"
Spooksprings, (in disguise) demonstrating his versatility with a Hula Hoop
I must confess, that after gyrating my torso to the natural cyclical rhythm dormant in my head for millennia, I actually started to feel euphoric and rather dizzy and had to be escorted from the woodland by a forester and his rabid puppies for attempting to climb a tree! What wonders await us in the Noobscape once the secret pleasures of this ancient fertility hoop, are made know to the well mannered ladies of Falador East?!
Controversy! Protest! Outrage!
Councillor Higgins sat recovering in hospital today after a ton of rotting mackerel was siphoned into his Ardougne Flat by an Oliphant. One of the many riotous acts seen in Ardougne today, as whale hunting goes commercial in Port Kazard. Players with level 99 fishing and 75 agility may attempt this one trip, one whale bonanza.
Spooksprings, observing a Whale Hunt onboard SS Lugubrious
The ancient fisherman tribe of natives in Bongo Bongo Village, Karamaja, claim their addiction to free whale meat will be cured if the hunting continues, and whales will be extinct by the 15th century.
Lag At Its Worst Since 1350!
The "lag" experienced by citizens of Noobscape this month, have almost brought them to a full stop. Not content at being overtaken by sloths snails and slugs, Noobscapes' adventurers intend to do something speedy to counter it!
Some Noobs experiencing what they believe was lag, last Thorsdag.
Lag by definition is the stalling of the way men walk by time disruption in the atmosphere, believed by seer scientists to be caused by a breech in the quantitative time constant, resulting from an accumulation of dragon's farts in the air. This causes adventurers to act, in others eyes, as insanely as a KBD in his death throws. Mages in Noobscape intend to combat this problem by attaching roller-skates to the feet of knights, so that they may still roll as the lag in the sky comes about them. This new invention, the roller skate, is a combination of ranger boots and 300 crystallized eyes of newt attached to axles.
Noobs On Ice!
Clad in his new grey wolf fur armor and boots, Noob 239 clambers up a steep ice glacier precipice in level 69 wildy, a vast expanse of frozen wasteland, recently discovered by intrepid, but lost gnomes. His lungs are bleeding from the rare and sub zero temperatures, his shivering body unprepared for what greets his squinting eyes before him. For there, locked in a giant obelisk of crystal clear ice is a bronze clad Noob...
Noob 239 N.O.D. about to lick a giant lolly in sub zero temperatures.
Confused, and near exhaustion, Noob 239's brain scrambles with mixed messages....a new pker ice freezor spell? Giant ice dragons and demons curses?! A new Noob Lolly factory relocation?!! Unable to focus, he steps closer, and peers at the frozen spectacle, and there, sitting in all it's splendour, a Noob King, bedecked in all the finest bronze and brass ornamentation that shrimps can buy. His eyes wander down, and there, on it's chest, a plaque, in an ancient dialect of Nooblish, sitting, waiting, to be transcribed by such a curious Noob.
These were the last actions of brave Noob Squaddie Noob 239, as transcribed through the headset of Bombardiers at the Noob transmitter station. We know not of his whereabouts, or what happened after the thaw begun...but he is awarded the N.O.D. (Noob Order of Discovery) for his find.
"From Noob To Noob"
Dear Sir Noob,
~ Potatoes Voted Best Looking Men! ~
~ Seen My Wood Chopper? ~
~ Seagull Souffle?! ~
Dear Noob Editor,
Planet Noob, Is It Full Of Noobs?
"One Noob dies every second on Planet Noob", a famous and puzzling quote from Emperor Spooksprings, Planet Noobs controversial, highly strung, creative, but obviously insane ruler. Is this really true?! How can so many cute little Noobs, who have all the necessary facilities to survive on Planet Noob, namely a mouth and a pair of legs and arms, fall from the tree of life in such quantities?! Well, according to statistics the top main method of Noob death is falling off ladders. Simple as that. Not pking or plague, night time devouring by demons, or even eating poisoned cakes, it's just the plain old soles-missing-the-rungs-falling-to-their-deaths-type-deaths that is hampering the progress of Noobs from conquering the world with their humour-isms and lightness.
Planet Noob, yesterday, crammed FULL to the brim with Noobs.
I put it to Emperor Spooksprings, 20 something with a penchant for jumping out of bushes onto Frizoids, that HE is ultimately responsible for Noobs dying in their millions every year.
Warning: NEVER return to a lit firework!
So, there, directly from the horse's mouth, you little Noobs in your thinly clad bronze frame CAN become as one with your makers, by staying down to earth, and erm, not climbing ladders at all? Or as the Emperor kindly put it, learn your green cross code before crossing the road to meet the chicken on the other side, who's probably brought his own ladder.
Announcements & Events
NoobBall: Saturday Fixtures: Varrock Noobs vs Falador Choobs, Gnome Playing Field. Lumpbridge Leprechauns vs Greater Demons, Bone Yard, Wildy. Chompie Hunt: Meet with bloated toads at the Jolly Rabid Fox, Mendip Hills. Ogre Hunt: Meet behind the Jolly Rabid Fox with archery and weighted ropes.Glider Festival: Display of Gnome expertise in glider flying. Fly like a bird for under 5,000 coins or 58 Quest Points. Meet White Wolf Mountain (organizers absolve responsibility resulting from death by wolf).
Deaths, Marriage, Births
Marriage: Mass Marriage of Cats, Entranor Island Monastery, Sunday. Notice of proceedings: all pet owners are to place their cats in the church, and exit. The Doors shall be closed, and by Gods grace of natural attraction, the felines shall commence their carnal acts and betroth themselves to each other. To wit, the vicar shall bless all and sundry from the safety of the rafters with Holy meow mix. Births: Hiker from Runevillage gives birth to a beautiful baby bot this week, child is said to be healthy, despite post-labour complications in the Unix. Deaths:3982 and a half Noobs deaths this week (tributes at the tomb of the Unknown Noob).
Concerts: Noobsquad, Seers party Hall, Friday Night. Rating: *****. A bizarre heady mix of nursery rhymes, rock anthems, and toe tapping, head banging, salsa swinging beats, that will raise the spirits, the eyebrows and the bronze skirts. Concerts may contain dry ice and nuts. No camping allowed. Hear a sample of their new hit single "Noobies, Noobies", HERE:
"Noobspaper" By Spooksprings (aka J.M.B.) 2004, all literary ideas original content, owned by J.M.B. All images edited or made by J.M.B, utlising graphics stolen & adapted from runescape.com RPG, by kind permission of Jagex Ltd. All 'Runescape' names, quoted from Jagex's 'Runescape RPG'. All music and sounds by J.M.B. 2004. If you are an inventor and have invented something using one of my inventions, at least give me credit, prophecy doesnt come cheap u noe!