Planet Noob's Spudatory

A Complete and Conspudatory Chronicle of the Invasion of the Space Potatoes
from Year Nob to Year Noooooob.

Spuds Arrive! Potatoes on Planet Noob came from out the Noobiverse far away in the cosmic vegetable breeding grounds of the Spudaxtula galaxy. They landed as meteors in Professor Noobaluses garden, and have been spreading like...Potatoes ever since.

Spudding Nooblets! When it was realised the MANY uses of the Potatoes in eating, clothing, house bulding and as money, all the small Nooblets in the Planet were put to work in the fields from the age of 5 digging little holes for their Potato friends for tupence a day (enough to buy some leather to chew on).

Golden Age Of Spuds! In the Golden Age of the Potato, thanks to Professor Noobalus cloning Potatoes with elephants, the spuds became HUGE, and it took 5 men 12 days to dig up one Potato, and 200 women 3 months to peel a bag of Spuds. EVERYONE was very happy stuffing themselves on raw Potatoes...until ...

Potato Witches! During the Dark Age of Planet Noob, the Chooby Hag Witches of Planet Blagdugger invaded and set about to DESTROY all Noobs by poisoning all their Potatoes. The brave Noobs, an unconquerable race laughed at this half witted Hag Wits, as they didn't know Noobs ate cabbage in secret. All the witches were rounded up and condemned to pick Potatoes for ever.

Rights For Froob Peelers! After the devious work of these old crones, the Potatoes became a symbol of Noobpression among the Froobs, who had to peel spuds all day that no one would eat. So in the year Nooooob there rose up a GREAT revolution amongst the Potato peeling Froobs (who were shackled and gagged to prevent any tongue wagging). Miss Jermima Froobalot THREW a Potato on the floor in outrage at work! Planet Noob was so horrified at discovering the treatment of Froobs, they freed them all, and sent them to work down the Varroccian Brassica Mines in shackles instead.

Spudder Famine! So with no one to peel them, and the Choobs getting hold of the poisoned Potato harvest and exporting them in the black market, killing many Noobs who were still keen on nibling on a root, Tats became extrememly rare and expensive, and were worth their weight in bronze. Queues of several yards long were reported at lower Varrock Spudoporium.

Tats Conquer All! As Planet Noob became prosperous due to Choob Contractors extracting vast amounts of Bronze from the planet core, The Noobs expanded into lesser dominions to display their prowess and Noobinfallibility. Here we see Admiral Noobalumbus buying the Brown People's Planet for a sack of sweet Potatoes. It is unfair to suggest that this was extortionism and carried out under duress and blackmail on threat of enslaving all Brown Peoples, as the price of Potatoes in year Noooob was over 1 billion PER POTATOE, due to the famine stated above.

Stuff A Spud! Potatoes realised then that they were a symbol of Noobpression and Choobiness, and were Adamant to become Noobie once more! Potatoes then became the new lost heroes, coming back from the wilderness with protests and campaigns to get Planet Noob's poor people stuffing spuds again. Notable events include stuffing themselves into the giant interspace Noob Guns, holding a hip Potato concert entitled "Spuds For The World" and throwing themselves down the throats of notable Noobs in kamikaze missions.

Freedom Of The Spud! Since that time, Potatoes got their own Freedom of Spudulation Act passed by the Noob Senate, which GUARANTEED spuds in ALL Noob homes, whether they wanted them or not, as it was now a crime to be without the 200% recommended daily dose of starch in their bellies, which is why all Noobs are Bronze coloured...

Sack Of Cloned Spuds! The future of Potatoes: Professor Noobalus states that his cloning of Potato and Noob was a success, and judging by the results, she does indeed look like an ordinary sack of spuds you see in the high street. He hopes that the new cross breeding of Noobs with these clones will help make them much more resilient when hibernating underground, be very poisonous to those non~noobs who eat them raw, and of course much more aero dynamic.

Notable Facts, Events In Spudatory

Fauna-cation! After the Nooblets in Picture 2 had been nurturing their Potatoe friends for over half a century for less money than a Noob Beggar earns in a week, they began to question the validity of their purpose on earth...and since the only females of any species around were the Potatoes, they began to court the only thing that had any meaning to them on Planet Noob, apart from each other. One thing lead to another, and before you could say, "Spin your Aunty Fanny on a nickel", The spud workers believed they had cross bred with their wards....they were never again admitted to polite society.

Miss Starch 1063! Indeed, in the year Nooooooob there was held the first and only "Miss Spud~U~Like?" Contest in the small Potato mining colony of Spodolping. The 'willing' contestants were reeled along on a conveyor belt, and voted on by deluded and frothing judges. This fine and alluring specimen was given a luxury cruise of the Spudaxtula and appeared on many day time Noob tv shows and Noobpapers.

Spud Labour! Professor Noobalus's Elephant-Potatoes were a great cloning success, these babies here were born LIVE weight at 36 Kilos each. In several days they were running round and gobbling hay like any normal Potatoe. The Potato childs you see there were named Richard and Brownie.

Pottage! Some people with short arms and shorter spectacles still disbelieve the fact that Potato prices went from Free Stuff to several billions, well, here is living proof of those dark and humorous times, when your left arm was more important to you than your stomach.

By Spooksprings (J.M.B) for Planet NoobSquad 2004.
Images copyright of the respective artists quoted on the main pictures.