Colloid Colonisation! Planet Noob's noble leafy friend, staple
diet, and favourite pet, has not so innocent beginnings. For the first crunchy coliopath to
ever appear from beneath the murky mercury seabed was a leafy sea lettuce, that had been
possessed by a malevolent and vicious Lobster Demon!
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Cabbage Corral!
After many innocent Noob’s were massacred, (the demon used to jump out of it's leafy
camouflage and nip a Noob's head off when he went for a bite) General NoobSquad and Sorcerer
Noobdini corralled the killer Cabbages into a magical vortex (known to humans as a CABBAGE
PATCH) with the promise of free Noobs to eat. There the demons remained trapped forever to
do the good work of the Noobs at their behest and provide them with Noobtritious food and
useful building materials.
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Fortress Cabbage!
To prevent the Cabbage demons ever escaping the vortex, a special floating island in the sky
was built, for the Cabbages to run their own community and start families. The Cabbages
remain there to this day, in bliss, fishing, shedding skin and librarian work.
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Cabbage Love Child!
It wasn't long before Professor Noobalus got his green fingers on the brazen brassicas, and
although attempts at artificial cloning Cabbage and man failed...he did, on a completely
involuntary urge of the moment, fall passionately in fauna-cation with Miss Flotila
Crumbbage one night, after a large draft of Noob Juice. As you can imagine a healthy Cabbage
child was born shortly after. Kep is 15 and likes to play computer games...and not much
else.
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The Grand Vegitabalisation!
Before long, with their Kosher lifestyles, the Cabbages grew to HUGE proportions, and were
exported throughout the Noobiverse...on trains. These here were used as ballast in the
building of the Galaxtic Space Bridge of Avonium and the Noobtanic Cruiser. Some cast
doubts on this trade and call it 'extortionism of innocence' and 'the great holocaust', but
its proven beyond reasonable Cabbage doubts that the benefits are always welcomed by their
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Evil Cabbage Kidnaps!
When the (Evil) Space Leprechauns came to Planet Noob looking for a tin opener for Rune
Armer, in year Noooob, they managed to smuggle a possessed Cabbage from out the Cabbage
Field Vortex and begin a new cult of the Crested Cabbage Chameleons, who reeked HAVOC in a
small pub in Notting Hill Gate in year Noooob. Luckily the Landlord called time and they all
went home drunk to their magic toadstools before they could summon the destroyer of worlds
and brainwash the publican to get free beer all night.
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Queens To The Rescue!
Queen Elnoobzipath, seen here capturing and returning the stolen demon Cabbage from out the
Space Leprechaun's shopping bag, which they forgot about and left in the pub, watched by an
enthusiastic and awe inspired Nooblet audience.
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The Brown People!
Vehement not to be so careless again, the Noobs hired a team of Brown People to protect the
island, but they became a little too fond of crunching on our Cabbagey critters, due to it's
powers to Nooberate the brain, provide extra Nooberons and the RDA of Noobage, plus it makes
your breath taste nice. But we turn a blind eye, we couldn't ask for better protectionism.
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Cabbage Consumption!
During the Potato famine due to the Hag Witch Poisoners (see Spudatory) Cabbage became a
staple Noob favourite, and many happy Nooblets gorged on this scrumptious dish! This gave
rise to a great and tyrannical King Cabbage Smartias, who raised cabbage prices to over
50gp! Due to the Brown People protecting him, he remained in power for many Noobeons.
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Cabbage Kings...!
The public beheading of King Cabbage Smartias in year Noooob by Choob economic
revolutionaries employed to extract Bronze under licence, unhappy that we only provide
Bronze Pickaxes and bread to eat, not only deepened the rift between Noobs and Choobs, but
strengthened our resolve never to employ peasants near palaces again, and we got rid of a
tyrannical Cabbage King Monster into the bargain.
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Some Notable Events, Facts & Uses In Cabbagery
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Church Of The Apostolic Cabbage!
These worshippers of Cabbage devote their lives to the care and attention of
brassicas. Their religion is sinister however, as a young Cabbage is sacrificed at the
Sacred Steam Bowl ALIVE every Sunday and is EATEN by the frenzied flock PAR BOILED and still
wriggling!!
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From Cabbage To Man! Professor Noobalus's cloning of the 'Cabbage & Man' experiments went well initially
with the launch of his Cabbage Kid shop, until they it was discovered they were impotent,
incontinent and edible. |
Cabbagey Pirates!
Cabbage smuggling remains a serious threat to us Noobs making decent profit from
Cabbagery. Global pirate profits amount to over 50 trillions gp. The evidence that we turn a
blind eye to this problem due to the fact that these illegal cabbage are poisoned and un
toxified from mercury are unfounded, due to the fact that no one has survived to complain
about it.
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Couch Potatoes!
Cabbage became famous in year Noooooob, by becoming the ONLY vegetable to ever star
on a star's tv show, 'Dallas Salad' starring Meatloaf.
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Cabbageatron!
Our crunchy critters became our weapon of choice when the Choobs decided to turn
against us in their battle for Sodiumisation. Each Noob has a Magic Cabbage Plate welded to
his chest that emits Crayon Beams into the bloodstream of these hasty pkers.
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The Noob School!
The School Of Cabbagery is famous and has turned out more leafy Noobs into the
vegetable patch of life than St Trinians. Preaching Noobism, Noobalisations, Nooblish,
Nooberama, Noobgeneering, Noobqauckery and Noobologies, these fine scholars are now
entrenched in ALL major public offices Planet Noob wide!
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Cabbage Stem Cells!
New stem cell research methods by Professor Noobalus have brought into question the
ethics of experimenting on living Cabbage beings by the cleaving of their hearts in half and
scooping out the abundant stem cells, from their...stems, with a spoon. It is pointed out by
Professor Noobalus that, "They are fucking vegetables."
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Brassica Bras!
Cabbage crepery is a must have fashionable item for the upandcoming Froob wanting to
catch the eye of a hungry Noob at a Noobprom. Unlike Cabbage Armer, this dress emits an
alluring scent of Froobality by fusing with the Froobs skin and magnifying its quantities. In
return, the Froob gets free photosynthesis!
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