~ Ulmer Budwiser's Cart Investigation Report ~

As a roving reporter roaming the rampant radical rough lands of the Runescape, I have come across, in abundance, many well crafted and travelled CARTS; it seems, mysteriously FULL of low level goods, ready to be delivered, next to castles and palaces of great riches, but with NO sight of a driver, or anything that could haul them!

Why then are these carts here?! Why do they never move? How do they mysteriously pile up with goods one day, and are empty the next, without ever having been seen to move?! Why are they so closely guarded by Knights of the Febrile Falador Order? Why can't I fill them up with frogs? And most important...what kind of creature pulls them (if it is a creature at all?!).

These are questions to which I already have the answers...because I wrote this report before I knew the ending. Thus, I set out on a spectacular journey, which would have been short, but I had run out of teleportation devices (which must be a good thing, molecular decon-reconstruction always gave me rusty water).

First to investigate the construction and types of carts:

~ Cart Analysis ~

On detailed examination with a telescope, accompanied by the master crafter (brown apron included), he was astounded at the workmanship. They were obviously constructed from the highest quality planks. Shaking, he told me that, "if these carts bear the mark I think they bear, then the makers will not be bears, but the Noob Dwarves of Timbuktoodoo, the Lembicons!" These were a mythical race known only to the invaders of the Second Age, far to the South of Tutorial Island! They were so short, even Leprechauns towered over them with guffaws in their drawers. And loe and behold, under a nipple of grease there sat the Lembicon maker's magic nipple rivet, engraved with the strange numbers 19.22 that I wrote down on some papyrus, just in case it might turn out to someone's bank pin number.

So what manner of oddity heaved these machines? With no horses in the Noobscape, we experimented with several monsters and animals, but as you can see to little avail. No beast fitted or seemed right for the job. The neck of the cart and centre of gravity seemed low, too low for horses. So what kind of power packing pup has the pulling prerogative here? I needed expert advice from an animal expert, preferably from a talking mammal, but I had sold my cat for some magic pebbles. So I damaged fences, trampled crops, and harassed sheep to get to Farmer Fred, master curator of grass, and it's ruminants.

Fred said in his shed, under the bed, with a cider keg and a rickety leg, under pain of loosing his head, that they are obviously constructed with the height and narrow gauge for only one type of animal in mind, SHRUNKEN horses...

So stumped there by this revelation from the master of mammals, having killed at least one of every known animal and monster in Noobscape over 3 years, no beast known to cyber science fitted this description. Every other NPC ignored me, when I asked about carts, as in deed did most of the players. But then, conspiracy and enlightenment! Abounding in Noobscape were magicians of great power, surely they were not too magnanimous to extend their powers to shrinking unicorns at night, in the curfew of Noobscape? But why waste this power on hauling cart loads of cabbages?! We needed some spy work using the Noob Night Vision Goggles™!

~ SpyCart Spook ~

Using the powers of stealth logging off, with the help of the NoobBot™, I managed to disguise myself as a scarecrow until the last banker fell unconscious for want of his 30 minute power nap. Everyone logged off, and the Jagex Gods sat at home watching 'Casualty', now was my chance! Wearing the robes of invisibility, and the ring of visibility, I was neither here nor there, and was immediately drawn to the late night camp lamp, like a Gnome light fly, of Master Farmer Fred!

As I sat in the bushes, there appeared suddenly, an elemental wizard by stealth teleport, who quickly, with the twirl of his moustache, summoned a great, hairy, long proboscised, muscly, silent, prehensile and alphabetically superior, Aardvark! What a perfect match for pulling a cart! A low slung powerful timid beast, willing to do any task for the price of an ant! But my paranormal camouflague was not good enough, I was spotted by the mage, he and the farmer gnome tackled me to the ground!

"Thou knowest that thine life is in peril for setting thine eyes upon the Sacred Beast of the Kenyamager?!", bombasticated the mage, "How does't thou appear after the logging off time? Thy knowest what thy punishment beith for this treachery?!"

"Erm, thou are't going-eth to set-eth me-eth free-eth and sayeth no more-th about it?", I sarcasticated back.

"Nay thy brigand, the law marked out by the Lembiconians for sighting the cart beast is to haul our cabbage carts for eternity! Muahaha! Pwned!"


By Ulmer Budwiser (Spooksprings (J.M.B.)) horseless, but furry and toasty, under special spying assignment for 'Planet NoobSquad' © Oct 2005. 'Lembicon Sign'; "Noob Night Goggles"; "Aardvark"; 'Lembicon' images by J.M.B. Spooksprings © Oct 2005. Other pictures adapted by J.M.B. Spooksprings with kind permission from Jagex Ltd's R.P.G., Runescape.com 0xA9 2005, using Photoshop, Anfy Java and 3DFA.com. "Decent Descent Arise" MP3 made by Spooksprings J.M.B. © Oct 2005 with Anvil Studio. I sent Jagex a letter asking about the carts, but I think I found out their secrets before they could send me to the KBD in one!